I am a good white person- and that doesn't matter.

I am a white person, and I am a good person. I respect and value my friends who are people of colour, and they respect and value me too. I've read important books and articles about race, taken anti-racist workshops, and argued with bigoted family members. I know that our history centres on slavery and colonialism, and I know that these histories never ended. I believe that white supremacy is a powerfully corrosive beast that nests deep in every one of us, and that no one is immune to it. I care, a lot. When I see that another Black person has been murdered for just existing, I feel heartbroken, and scared, and enraged. I'm guessing you feel this way too. This is right, because we care. A lot.

Here's the thing, though- that doesn't fucking matter.

It doesn't matter because this fight against oppression isn't about who is "good" and "bad", on the inside or the outside, woke or sleepwalking. Having good intentions is not enough. Caring mightily is not enough. What lies deep in your heart does not matter. I did not in my heart want George Floyd to be murdered on the street for no reason. You did not in your heart want Breonna Taylor to be gunned down in her own home in front of her boyfriend. What we feel in our hearts has no impact on what happens in the world to Black people. If all it took to stop this was our fervent desire for it to end, we wouldn't be here right now, in this living nightmare in which life can be taken for nothing. If caring a lot could change this, it would already be changed. 

The only thing that matters is what we do.

This is hard. Being a "good person" is much easier than doing right things, and I get to feel good about  myself with minimal inconvenience. Because I am a good person, with peacefulness and caring and justice in my heart, it is easy for me to be good. I listen to the Black people in my life. I educate myself about structural racism, and white privilege, and Black history. I think and say the right things about white feminism (it is not the good kind), and I don't say all lives matter we are but one race the human race, and I don't say well some cops are nice, they're nice to me, or what about gang violence, or why do I have to feel guilty for what other bad white people did. This is important because what we say matters, and other white people are listening, and we are capable of learning, and these 'little things'- the microaggressions- add up. But at the end of the day, all of this has become pretty easy, because I have trained myself to know better. Knowing better helps me do less harm in the world. Less harm is good. But despite my best efforts in this area, the murders keep coming, even in a global pandemic. It seems some people have more than one pandemic to worry about.

I wish that knowing more and becoming better would stop the violence, but the violence keeps coming. It turns out there is a purpose to knowing more and becoming better. The purpose is not to feel good about myself, keep my Black friends, and argue with people who are less informed. The purpose of knowing more is to do more. The purpose of becoming better is to do better. Somewhere along the way, I forgot that there is an end goal to my internal divestment from white supremacy, and it's not about me at all. The point of leaving the Matrix is to destroy the Matrix. Knowledge is just a stepping stone to action. In fact, action is the only antidote to the gnawing helplessness of being a bystander to the world we live in. Growing up white, I believed our society was mostly good, just, and true. I still think most people are "good people". In our hearts we don't want this to happen. But it. is. happening. This is our shared reality, something many of us are just coming to know, but that the people being murdered have known for a long, long time. Caring is not enough. Doing nothing is itself an active choice with dire consequences- more of the same, day after day, forever. 

I truly believe that we have the power to make change happen. Until this moment, I wasn't really fully convinced. I wanted to always live like change was possible, because being hopeless is a huge waste of my immense amount of privilege, and because I care about other people. Systems and institutions have a way of making themselves seem permanent and inalterable, and this violence has been with us for so long. It is more than with us- it is at the very core of our lives and our nations and our communities, even our safer spaces. We are submerged in white supremacy, all of us, and it's toxic to all (though only deadly to some, evidently). But with the pandemic, suddenly everything has changed. There is a 'new normal'. The transitions are not smooth, but we are making change now every day- people, governments, businesses, institutions, all of us at every level. 

It can be done. The change is possible. We do not have to live like this. We do not have to accept that some people watch their loved ones leave home worried that they will be murdered in the street. This is not an acceptable world to live in. We can change this. But we cannot make change by wishing it and by being good. Do you notice a pattern in what Black people are asking of us, of us white people? We have to fucking do something. It's not about feeling bad. It's not about feeling good. It's not about our feelings, period (as a feelings-driven person this has been hard for me to accept, but it is 100% true). Use the feelings- the good, the bad, all of it. Let them push you to what matters- our actions.

Here are some things we can do. I'm learning, too. But let's turn our attention away from learning what to think and say and feel. Let's learn what to do, and let's do it.

1. Get connected with changemakers, and follow their lead. There has never before been so much useful information that is so widely available and accessible to us as allies. The platform I use most is Instagram, but if you have Twitter or other suggestions please share them! Let's talk to each other about who is educating and inspiring us, share resources, and support these people who make it possible for us to know better. Here are some places to start:

• To connect with other white allies, I recommend Showing Up for Racial Justice (SURJ, @showingupforracialjustice); the Toronto chapter is @SURJToronto, and they have many other local chapters in North America. 
• Robin Di Angelo is a white academic who coined the term 'white fragility'. If you feel defensive when talking about race (been there!), that's probably white fragility at work. Her work has helped me become a better ally, and she has many great resources on her website, too (https://robindiangelo.com/resources/). 
• You should definitely be following Black Lives Matter (@blklivesmatter), which also has local chapters. The Toronto chapter is @blacklivesmattertoronto. You should know that BLM was started by three Black women, two of whom are queer. The founders are Patrisse Cullors-Brignac (@osopepatrisse), Opal Tometi (@opalayo) and Alicia Garza (@chasinggarza). They offer great resources on their pages, particularly Patrisse's.
• Rachel Cargle is a public academic who provides very valuable lessons on her page (@rachel.cargle) and @thegreatunlearn. She also offers racial justice workshops and lectures. Her work is incredibly useful, important and accessible. Follow her. 
• Based in Toronto, Rania El Mugammar (raniawrites.com) is an artist, anti-oppression consultant and liberation educator who offers excellent workshops/trainings (if you run an organization or business, this is a great action to take for your team). Rania also frequently posts community support requests (connecting donations directly to people in need locally), and runs an annual Eid drive for Black Muslim children. 
  
  

2. Put your money where your mouth is. As allies, redistributing our wealth- giving away some of our money- is the single easiest and most effective way to contribute. It might not make us feel as good as marching in the street, but it has a huge impact. The ongoing legacy of slavery and institutionalized racism means that in our society, wealth is largely concentrated in white families and communities. We really do have a responsibility to give in accordance with our means. I understand that some people cannot afford to redistribute money, and there are absolutely other ways to contribute. But let's challenge ourselves to be honest about our money and our ability to part with it. For example, I've been financially impacted by the pandemic, but I can definitely afford to give $20 from each paycheque. I also have access to generational wealth in my family if I'm struggling, which is directly connected to my white privilege. If you're worried about where the money goes, trust that local orgs on the ground know better than you do. What we give adds up and truly makes a difference. When you're budgeting, be honest and try to make a commitment to this. Money works. 

• Share My Cheque (sharemycheque.org) is a new Canadian-based resource that asks us to pledge these commitments, as well as offering a substantial list of organizations to give to: SURJ Toronto (@SURJToronto) has a #sharemycheque webinar coming up on June 11th. 

3. Talk to other white people. This is by far the request that I get most consistently from the Black people in my life. They don't want us to sit around feeling bad about it and worried for them; they want us to talk to each other, have the tough conversations, and figure out how we can work together to make this stop. They want us to use our privilege- our power- for good. This doesn't mean you should be afraid to reach out to your Black friends; think about how terrifying it would be if all these people being murdered looked like your family and your community, your elders, your children, your leaders. But do not use Black people as a sounding board for your thoughts and feelings- they have enough to deal with right now. 

While we can't do this work solely in self-interest, I truly do believe that accepting and living in white supremacy is harmful to our basic humanity, as well as deadly to people who we love and care about. Don't believe the lie that this is a zero sum game: we can only improve all of our lives by actively fighting oppression within our communities and within ourselves. We need to communicate effectively, we need to get organized, and we need to work collectively in anti-racist action. We must involve each other, and remind each other that we are already involved- that doing nothing is accepting the way things are. Guilt, awkwardness, shame, confusion, uncertainty- all these feelings are natural and okay for us to have. Let's talk to each other, work through the hard feelings, and move forward towards what matters. Let's invest in everyone's freedom. Let's get moving. 

With all my love,

- frances